sábado, 24 de março de 2012

a tristeza da atriz...






Não sabia que ia doer tanto mas esta noite concluo a minha biografia. Devia estar feliz: é melhor que tudo o que fiz até agora. Durante meses gastei nela muitas horas multiplicadas pela ansiedade, escrevi-a num estado de exasperação dos sentimentos.


Um composto de relâmpagos, ditado por uma deusa nostálgica, que me guiava enquanto eu molhava o teclado de lágrimas. Foram meses de união de facto com o lado esquerdo, o da vida, o do coração, descobrindo uma energia recôndita de que me não julgava capaz, expondo as minhas nódoas negras e até ao fim de mim própria. Devia estar aliviada: não estou,

(porque deixarei apenas a memória de ter sido uma atriz)

mas, espero, alguma saudade nas poucas pessoas que me conhecem neste país sem memória e fizeram o favor de gostar de mim. Nada mais. Chegamos tarde a algum conhecimento da vida, mas o que se fica a saber não nos torna mais lúcidos. Uma autobiografia, que me devia deixar contente e não deixa. Não farei outra peça porque fui esquecida. E no entanto

(e é por isso que não estou feliz)

aborrece-me pensar que tenho tempo para mais duas ou três peças antes que o pano se feche definitivamente na minha vida: eis a verdade. E esse facto entristece-me. Acho injusto, dado que sinto em mim não duas ou três peças mas uma mão cheia delas. Começo a ter uma ideia do que é representar, começo a entender o que se pode construir num palco, começo a interiorizar verdadeiramente a alma das diversas personagens. E agora, que deveria começar, sinto e sei, na carne, o limitado espaço que me resta. Agora que queria vestir Hedda Gabler, o Waterloo de muitas atrizes. Meu Deus, eu a querer continuar e o tempo a fugir-me. Não faço a menor ideia qual seria a peça seguinte, as peças seguintes e, no entanto, sinto-as vivas, dentro de mim, sinto a necessidade de continuar a habitar grandes amores, a necessidade gigantesca do absoluto, mas não passo de uma cadela vadia com pavor de uma solidão que não presta. Resta-me pensar nos primeiros passos no teatro, o palco à italiana, a boca de cena, o pano de boca, as regras artísticas, a sucessão de jogos cénicos, o desafiar costumes e tradições, o dia-a-dia dos sucessos e dos fracassos, os meandros dos bastidores, as conversas de camarim, o contra-regra que se enfrasca em whisky irlandês, raiva e ternura, a estagiária do Conservatório que treme sem cessar, as dificuldades financeiras, as receitas de bilheteira, as tensões secretas, as mortes dos colegas que tão dolorosamente me demonstraram a efemeridade da vida, das críticas que me fizeram chorar, a necessidade de chocar, provocar, pôr a pensar, o sonho de mais uma noite de alegria. Em nenhum outro trabalho se cruzam tanto as humanas paixões: o que somos, o que amamos, o que pensamos, o que sentimos. O ator inventa uma outra cara, ou inventa uma outra pessoa para si. Coisas que só a gente de teatro sabe. Cada espetáculo era a minha história. Ficava emocionada ao lado dos velhos mestres pela sua capacidade de dádiva, pela sua coragem em se exporem. Fui intermediária de afetos e mensageira de grandes dramaturgos, fui também em alguns instantes intérprete de poetas, comovi e comovi-me no lugar mágico que é o palco com a grande poesia, mesmo na adversidade física, na fragilidade pessoal. Sonhei com a peça perfeita, imaginava-me uma Antígona ou numa Medeia, sentir o público no meu corpo, entrar na personagem e não me reconhecer, captar o teatro com todos os sentidos. E, agora é com algum arrepio que encarno uma espécie de Maria Antonieta, à espera de misericórdia.

Nesta encenação de agonia é com algum arrepio que peço só mais um papel, só mais uma temporada. Não tinha de ser assim.

Durante alguns anos fui mais afortunada do que é sensato esperar e não concebia que o destino de uma atriz fosse efémero, mas não são as rugas que a humilham ou a derrotam. Sei que fiz o melhor que pude, com a consciência que não se faz teatro à velocidade das novelas sul-americanas. Quando represento quero apenas libertar-me do que sou e, se quisesse alguma coisa, seria apenas esse tão modesto, tão ambicioso objetivo: dar corpo a mulheres marginais, a essas princesas da melancolia. Se me perguntarem

- o que é que quis dizer com esta autobiografia?

a resposta mais sincera é

- o teatro é a minha própria pele e nós atores somos como vírus, precisamos de outras almas para sobreviver. 

E se advertem

- Não há trabalho para todas as atrizes da sua idade

já nem comento, não entendem nada de teatro. 

Agora apareço fora de palco sem pintura, de cara lavada, sem a máscara da atriz. O que é que andam a fazer com os atores e as atrizes que desfalecem à espera de um contrato? Nem um olhar cúmplice a acompanhar-nos, ninguém…

Luís Galego

84 comentários:

Anónimo disse...

Obrigada meu querido amigo Luís pela grande sensibilidade demonstrada neste belo texto...Gostei muito do tema e já hoje pensara em fazer qualquer coisa neste sentido...Se não o conseguir até lá pelo menos "O CARPINTEIRO DE CENÁRIOS " do meu pai virá para estas páginas com destaque.Sei bem o que é esse sofrimento e só almas grandes como a
tua o sabem compreender.
Muito obrigada pelo que és e nos dás

Abraço com ternura


Ana Maria de Portugal

Mel de Carvalho disse...

Ler-te é sempre uma viagem ao que de mais belo e íntimo tem cada ser humano.

Um beijo, Luís.
(ainda que muito ausente, estou sempre aqui e leio-te. e de cada leitura te sou grata. obrigada, meu velho amigo)

driftin' disse...

A verdade é que não são apenas os actores que têm necessidade de outras almas para sobreviver. O vírus, aparentemente, foi-se espraiando mesmo para além da periferia do absurdo.

Uma derradeira peça?!... Há, se calhar, quem se contentasse com a simples lucidez de um beijo.

Carlos Ramos disse...

A vida, peça em muitos actos, da qual a escrita reflecte, não a verdade mas um reflexo, e por detrás dele o verdadeiro rosto do não actor.

Abraço

Daniel Cândido da Silva disse...

A tua capacidade de escrita é espantosa, Luís, e há um tempo não passava aqui, arredado como mais ou menos ando da blogosfera socorrendo-me do telemóvel em momentos diversos para usar outras redes sociais.

Parabéms, Luís. O texto está soberbo.

Um abraço

Amanda Paula disse...

Gostei muito do blog!

Malu disse...

Sempre um deleite poder aninhar em tuas palavras, meu amigo!!!
Pode mergulhar em cada sentimento que elas transcendem. Histórias reais da vida irreal, como digo, às vezes.
Um grande abraço

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